Guide To Being A Good, Or Rather Bad Slytherin
by lovinrain
Summary: There are some basic guidelines that each Slytherin has to follow. Of course I, Draco Malfoy, Slytherin Prince make up the rules... I am the perfect Slytherin, the only problem is that people might find out about her... oneshot


**Guide To Being A Good, Or Rather Bad Slytherin – **

"**Rule number one:** which is the easiest rule to follow _I_ think. Always listen to Draco Malfoy. Of course it makes it easier for since _I_ am Draco Malfoy.

All Slytherins bow to me, all look up to me and all admire my devishly good looks and charms. I am the Slytherin Prince, the Ice King, the Sex God Of Slytherin. My smirk sends girls swooning, all wish they can have me, but only one had my heart and she knows it…

**Rule number two:** Gryffindors suck.

No really, everyone knows that if Gryffindor wasn't an option they all would be put into Hufflepuff. Why you ask? Because they are all stupid, stupidly brave to the extent of insanity. Trust me, who else would actually go head on with a _three_ headed dog? No one but Potter and his silly little friends. Only someone with severe 'I-need-to-save-the-world' syndrome would do that.

We Slytherins are smart… ok some of us are smart, the ones that count anyway. Ok and not all Gryffindors are stupid, Granger is a mutant exception, but you'll never hear me tell _her_ that.

**Rule number three:** Make fun of the 'Golden Trio' as much as possible.

The leader of this so called 'Golden Trio' is Harry Potter a.k.a. Potty, Pot-Head, The-Boy-Who-Just-Won't-Die, Scar Head and Potter.

The idiot of the group you ask? One Ronald Weasley, a.k.a. Weasel, Weasel King, Weasel-b and Weasley.

The brains of the group, or rather the annoying factor of the group. Hermione Granger, a.k.a. Know-it-all, Mudblood, filth, bucked tooth beaver, goody-two-shoes, bushy haired beaver, beautiful – I mean ugly book worm and Granger.

Ok, you're to ignore my mess up; I was just looking at some of the girls passing. There was _no_ way that I was talking about Granger.

**Rule number four:** Give all teachers hell, except for Professor Snape.

Professor Snape is the best teacher we've got in this blasted school. He is also the only teacher who actually likes the Slytherins. It must be because he was a Slytherin and he is my Godfather. You can get away with anything in his class. In other classes though beware…"

"My brother said that Snape is an evil old bat," a first year shouted from the back of the room. I scowled at him and he looked at me defiantly. Only here one day and they are already challenging my authority.

"Snape is _our_ head of house and if I remember correctly, _your_ brother is a Hufflepuff," I smirked and everyone broke into giggles.

"But everyone says he's a heartless git," the boy continued.

I nearly flinched at the memory that that dug up. You would flinch too if you woke up one Christmas morning to find Severus Snape in your house. Or more importantly walking around your house in nothing but his boxers with little green hearts on them. Ewww!

What is worse? Well there is also the fact that he was whistling something that sounded oddly like 'Weasley is Our King.'

Snape… boxers… whistling… I am definitely going to need therapy.

"Raise your hand if you have a question or comment and for the record Snape is _not_ heartless," I said. Nope he isn't heartless at all, well not to _me_ anyway.

"**Rule number five:** No nice words to the Gryffindors or to anyone except Slytherins as long as it is in the confines of our common room.

We wouldn't want the good, or rather bad reputation of Slytherin to go down the drain by someone accidentally saying sorry after they bump into someone. No! We have worked hard to keep our ancestors proud! We have a reputation to uphold!

**Rule number six:** Never let another house show you up.

Slytherins are cunning and sly. We don't get out smarted or out done by other houses. If you find that you are attacked verbally attack right back, teacher or none! If you have to sink to a low remark about their heritage or something you just made up!

In a fist fight or duel do not be afraid to fight dirty! No, the sayings 'Evil as a Slytherin,' 'Sly as a Slytherin,' and 'Cunning as a Slytherin,' didn't just pop out of thin air you know. We are those sayings; they are what we need to hold true to.

**Rule number seven:** We do _not_ follow The Dark Lord.

Yes everyone thinks we're evil. Yes we hate Potty, Weasel and the Know-it-all, but _we_ aren't stupid (if you need explaining on who is stupid look back at rule two.) We all know that Potter is going to blast The Dark Lord into oblivion. Give it a rest I mean the guy wants to get rid of over half of the magic community. Does he really think he can get away with it? Besides Potter beat him when he was like one or two. He must not be _that_ powerful.

**Rule number eight:** We are _not_ prejudice.

Alright this goes back to rule number six… reputation. Hello? Are you people paying attention? No we are not prejudice pricks who would like to wipe out all the muggle-born. We only make fun of Granger's parentage. Why? Because of rule number three of course! Merlin, listen people! I'm not going over this again!"

"Draco?" A small first year in the back asked and I glared at him. He forgot to raise his hand!

"Name?" I asked sternly.

"Aden Zabini," he said proudly and smirked. Ah Blaise's little brother. Yes, the kid had spunk, and yes I liked it, but he was _too_ full of himself if you asked me.

"Ah Zabini, I thought you would know better then to interrupt me!" I said with quite fury that never less captured the whole room's attention and left them all quivering with fear.

"I-Is it t-true that you and H-Hermione Granger are an i-item?" He stammered and I glared at him. Damn Blaise and his big mouth! How many times did I have to tell him not to tell anyone!

"What do you think?" I asked cunningly.

That shut the nasty little bugger right up!

"**Rule number nine:** Remember to smirk.

Yes the smirk is like the Slytherin slogan. We all smirk the Slytherin smirk, except for me. I smirk the Malfoy smirk. Got it? Good…

**Rule number ten:** Out of all the teachers we give hell to, make sure Hagrid gets the worse.

Why? Well that is easy, it's because he is friends with Pot-Head, Weasel-King and the Know-it-all. Also he is a somewhat new teacher and still doesn't fell comfortable taking away points from _any_ house, including Slytherins.

**Rule number eleven:** You tell no one about what goes on in the Slytherin common room.

What we Slytherins do is of no concern to any other house. If the ask either ignore them and tell them to shove off. If I find out that someone told, and trust me, I will, there will be hell to pay.

**Rule number twelve:** Slytherins look out for one another.

We are there for each other and though we are not 'brave' like the Gryffindors we _are_ loyal. The sorting hat said that if you want to make your real friends you should go to Slytherin. Why? Because if one of us is being messed with, we're all being messed with. Come to an older student with your problems and you'll be sure that they _will_ be settled.

**Rule number thirteen:** No one and I mean no one questions what I do or say.

_I _can ignore the rules, _I _can change the rules. You question me and I will not be afraid to disband you from Slytherin. Which leads to my next rule.

**Rule number fourteen:** Do not talk to someone who is disbanded.

Slytherins are disbanded for many different reasons. The main reason being that they broke a rule. If you talk to a disbanded Slytherin then you are in danger of being disbanded yourself.

Finally **Rule number fifteen:** The most important rule is rule number one.

Well I think that rule explains itself. Any questions? No good. Now get to class!"

Sighing I sat down on the couch and watched as the first years filed out of the doors.

"Well I think that went pretty well," Blaise said coming over to me.

"Blaise, if I were you I would stay well away from me for the next few days. I told you one day that big mouth of yours would get you into trouble," I said glaring at him.

He quickly backed away and I sniggered as he backed into the table and flipped over it.

"I'm going out," I said as I quickly sat up and exited the common room.

Dinner was to start in a few minutes and I wanted to see Hermione before I went to eat. I hadn't seen her all day, but she was ok with it. She knew that today was when I usually gave my lecture to the first years. I mean we had been secretly dating since she slapped me in their year…

"I'll see you later guys," I heard her say and watched as Potty and Weasel left her to read at the library. I sneered in disgust as I watched Weasley give her a shy smile. How I hated him.

"I don't like the way he looks at you," I said as I came out from my hiding spot, just behind the book shelf. I watched as Potty and Weasel rounded the corner, oblivious to my sudden appearance.

"We're just friends, you know that," Hermione sighed putting down her book and smiling up at me. "How are the troops," she asked giggling slightly. The 'troops' was what she liked to call the first year Slytherins. She said I reminded her of a general, whatever that was.

"This particular group is a little too confident," I said sitting down next to her.

"Ah, I see," she said turning back to her book.

"What?"

"You mean they're a little too _arrogant_ or maybe _big headed_, because if I remember correctly someone else I know is exactly like that," she smirked and I scowled.

"That's my smirk," I complained, but secretly I loved it when she smirked. It proved that even miss goody-two-shoes had a bad streak.

"Deal with it," she said dismissively.

"I haven't gotten my kiss yet," I pouted.

"I thought Malfoys didn't beg," she shot at me.

"They don't, I just know you can't resist this face," I said slyly.

"Of course, you know I find you irresistible," she said leaning over and giving me a quick peck on the lips.

"That's not a kiss," I said and leaned in and kissed her properly. Really, you think after three years she'd learn what a _real_ kiss is. I mean with me for a teacher, you can't go wrong.

There was a faint squeak that caused us to break apart. I looked around, but didn't see anyone. Frowning I looked back over to Hermione who shrugged.

"I'll see you later love," I said getting up. "Or rather, I'll see you at dinner."

I should have recognized that squeak! I mean I hear it every day, but I was just out of it today. I guess you could blame the following events on me…

I was sitting down at dinner waiting for it to end so I could go see Hermione again when Pansy walked in looking ready to kill. That should have been my first inclination to run, hide or beg for mercy, but Malfoys don't beg, as I said before.

"Is it true?" She asked in a hurried whisper.

"Is what true I demanded?" Looking up at her in confusion.

"That you and the Mudblood… that you… Mudblood…" She managed to choke out. I immediately set my gaze on Hermione who was frowning at Pansy. Pansy followed my gaze and let out a strangled shriek that managed to draw the attention of everyone in the Great Hall.

Pansy stalked over to the Gryffindor table and stood towering in front of Hermione. Then she grabbed Hermione's goblet of pumpkin juice and dumped it over Hermione's head.

"YOU WHORE, STAY AWAY FROM MY DRACKIE!" Pansy shouted angrily.

"YOUR DRACKIE?" Hermione shrieked back I smirked. Well this wasn't exactly the way I figured we tell everybody, but I guess it had to happen eventually.

Hermione grabbed the nearest piece of food, which happened to be a piece of cake. The main course had changed to dessert while Pansy was stalking over. Hermione slammed the gob of cake right into Pansy's face and rubbed it into her brand new robes.

I looked over at the teacher's table wondering why no one had stopped them. All the teachers seemed frozen in shock, except for Dumbledore who had that annoying twinkle in his eyes. He just smiled at me before going back to eating his cake. I'll never get that old man.

"THESE RE MY NEW ROBES!" Pansy shouted angrily and the next thing I knew she had launched herself at Hermione.

They were clawing at each other, ripping out each other's hair. It was actually very funny, well it would have been if the circumstances were different.

They began to roll around on the table, smashing into the plates and goblets and not to mention all the food. Every now and then the odd shriek and shout could be heard. Plates clattered and it was just a frenzy of fists and nails. I wouldn't have wanted to get in-between them.

Finally I figured I might as well end it. So I went over, pumpkin juice in hand and pulled the two girls apart. Really, why hadn't Potter or Weasley done it already?

"Let me go, I want to teach her a lesson for even thinking of touching you," Pansy scowled fighting against me.

"Draco. Let. Me. Go." Hermione shouted trying and failing to get out of my grasp.

I did the only thing I could think of; I dumped _my_ pumpkin juice on both of them. Ok, maybe it wasn't the best idea in the world. They both narrowed their eyes at me and the next thing I knew they were pelting food at me.

Soon the whole hall joined in and there was a _big_ food fight. I even saw Dumbledore throw something at Professor McGonagall.

I was covered in an assortment of sweets and I couldn't help but chuckle at Hermione. She just looked so adorable covered in chocolate cake!

"What are you laughing at?" She asked rounding on me.

"You," really, what else would I be laughing at? She was supposed to be intelligent!

WHAM! Now a large piece of chocolate cake was covering _my_ face!

"You're going to pay for that," I growled and pinned her against the table. She laughed and I looked down at her. She had a little frosting on her nose and I could help myself and kissed it. Licking the frosting off of my lips.

The whole hall froze once more as I helped Hermione to her feet.

"It's now or never," I whispered to her and she nodded hesitantly. I leaned in and kissed her full on the mouth. She was stiff against me at first and then relaxed. After we finished you could literally hear a pin drop. Then Dumbledore stood up and clapped.

Personally I think the old man is nutters, but I'm glad that he did something. Unlike most people who just stood there gaping at us. Finally everyone was clapping and I smirked at Hermione who was red in the face.

Note to self add **Rule number sixteen:** All rules are optional… except for rule number one of course…

**Author's note: Please tell me what you thought! Please review! Thanks!**


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